So, the search for real people was an abject failure. Well, we found the people all right, but they were of absolutely no use. Once we drove across town, found a place to park, practically undressed, subjected ourselves to radiation, endured the pat down AND found the office in question, we were told that they "don't actually do that here." In an attempt to be helpful (and while admitting some measure of ignorance of the process), they gave us a crappy (but ready to hand) xerox copy of Mapquest instructions to the office that "might" be able to help. That office would then call the office we were currently occupying before sending us out to yet another office, etc., etc., etc. I didn't care to bounce around occupied territory for the remainder of my day, so we drove home in a huff.
Now I can either try calling these same unhelpful and not terribly knowledgeable people, or I could just continue puzzling it out for myself and machine-gun some applications into the outer darkness in no particular order.
Seriously, it's no wonder personal initiative is dying in this country.