Thoroughly Disenchanted

I used to imagine I would enjoy pregnancy.  I was going to scrupulously take my vitamins and eat lots of wholesome fruit and veggies.  It was going to be fun and exciting.

Well, I officially hate it.  It has been nothing but miserable and traumatic ALL FIVE TIMES.  I thought the worst was finally over, but we had a spectacular relapse on Tuesday, and I've been vomiting six times daily ever since.  I essentially starved until noon yesterday just to make it stop, and it seems like today will be the same.  I try to take my vitamins, but they tend to make me sick.  Food makes me sick, water makes me sick, being hungry and thirsty makes me sick.  All things being equal, I'd rather vomit on an empty stomach than otherwise, so I just don't eat or drink at all.  Fruit makes me sick.  Vegetables make me sick.  Juice makes me sick.  The smell of my shampoo makes me sick.  Showers make me sick, but not showering also makes me sick.  Brushing my teeth makes me sick.  My own pulse makes me sick.  The only thing that seems to stay down is salty corn puffs, but they give me high blood pressure, which is also undesirable.  There is no winning.

I did not sign up for this.  I was willing to be sliced and diced and stapled back together again.  I was willing to risk miscarriage and uterine rupture.  I was willing to be fussed over and violated by extra tests and shots and whatnot.  I was NOT willing to be desperately sick for three to six months.  The plan was that the Zofran would work and I would be semi-independent and at least able to eat properly.  That failed spectacularly, so now I am essentially a shut-in.  I'm lucky if I get off the couch.  The dog has started giving me long earnest looks, wondering if napping all day and going to bed early is going to be the rest of our lives.  I can barely make my own food, and now even that seems like a wasted effort.  If I am going out, especially to church, I have to starve myself first so that I know any vomit that happens can fit into a paper cup I keep in my purse.  The only thing that can make this situation any worse is the onset of autumn hay fever, which occasionally gives me chronic bloody nose, and always makes vomiting a truly epic experience of sinus pressure.  I'd be chugging liquid Tylenol to cope with the headaches if I thought I could keep it down.

I know other women have it worse than I do, and I've heard of some risking liver and kidney failure just to have children.  More power to them, but I am done.  I hate going to bed at night, and I hate waking up in the morning.  If I could finish this experience in an induced coma, I would.  Once this kid is out, one way or another, I hope to never, ever, ever, EVER experience this misery again.

Pardon me, I feel like I have to go throw up.